


Hard To Stay And Watch You Walk Away

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, Insecure Nerds, M/M, Meteorstuck, TFW your alien bf is being insufferable but also cute at the same time, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6706078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I thought too hard about scenes that happened in the GO timeline that we never saw the retcon version of and then this came out. The "will we still be able to be best bros" conversation re-imagined for post-retcon. Somehow Karkat is even more insecure. Also I always wanted Rose and Karkat to talk in canon so hey have a bunch of them too, thanks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard To Stay And Watch You Walk Away

The common room is dim and empty, quiet save for the relentless hum of some mysterious meteor machinery working in the distance. Occasionally the pipes rattle, too, but that's fine. Karkat doesn't handle total silence very well anyway. He trudges in from the transportalizer, shoulders dropped, eyes half-lidded, carrying his husktop under one arm and a bunched up snuggleplane under the other. He's taking a calculated risk with the latter thing -- if Vriska or Terezi caught him with that he'd almost definitely never hear the end of it -- but a constant chill clings to everything on this fucking spacerock and he's tired of being cold. This one belongs to Dave; it even smells like him, which shouldn't be a good thing because Dave's scent is really just an amalgamation of stale human sweat and a dozen different types of questionable human junk food. But Karkat conceded his pride long ago when it came to all things Dave, so he can admit to himself that he finds it comforting. Just not to anyone else. 

He has no idea exactly what time it is, but he knows it's somewhere firmly between no-thanks and fuck-off o'clock, and no doubt everyone else is sleeping soundly because everyone _else_ has managed to retain some vague semblance of control over their fucking emotions. Karkat envies them. He hasn't slept in three days, maybe four. On the one hand, it's nice not to worry about dream bubble visits for awhile. On the other hand, his thinkpan feels like it's been marinated in frond nub sap and every step he takes is like wading through a pool of extra-thick sopor slime. Dave started noticing two days ago. Karkat has no idea what to tell him, and every time he refuses to explain what's bothering him he feels Dave withdraw just a little more. 

Just one more thing to torture himself with in this, their final days on this rock, this transient home he should have never let himself get so fucking idiotically attached to. 

Skaia is supposed to be visible within days, and from there it'll be all life or death type shit. According to Vriska there are at least three separate factions that all want them dead. They'll be fighting for their lives, to reunite with their friends, to find the heroes of this new session who are also apparently Dave and Rose and John and Jade's post-scratch guardians, to eliminate this universe-eating demon Karkat still feels he knows far too little about, oh, and to create a brand new fucking universe, apparently, too. This is a prospect that should be exciting but just sort of makes him feel sick because he's been there before. All of this is happening because he fucked it up so badly, in a way, paradoxically inevitable or not. Who's to say things will go better, this time? 

All of that to worry about and none of it is even what's _really_ bothering him. Fuck. 

Karkat flops onto the couch, folding his legs under him and practically cocooning into the snuggleplane like an actual honest-to-god real life wiggler. It's appropriate; that's exactly what he feels like. If he had any sense of self preservation at all he'd be able to sleep. He's almost definitely going to explode horribly the first time anything so much as glances at him with violent intent, though, whether he's well rested or not. So maybe it doesn't matter?

Muttering under his breath -- a bad habit picked up from a certain serial offender -- he balances his husktop on his blanketed thighs and squints against the harsh light of its screen. It's not really his mortality that's keeping him up. That's just a convenient excuse, and he knows it. There's a whole host of concerns crowding around in his thinkpan and every single one is born from a place of humiliating insecurity, and even though he fucking _knows_ that, knows how ridiculous his shit is, he can't stop it. He vividly remembers the panic he felt when he first put together that the journey to the new session was going to take a whole sweep and a fucking half. He had been sure he'd actually lose his mind, from boredom or loneliness or jealousy or all three together. Now he's feeling that same panic, except at the prospect of _leaving_. 

It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking pathetic. 

Maybe he'll watch a movie. He has to do something to kill the time. He scrolls half-heartedly through the titles he has downloaded. He has seen all of them so many times he could probably recite every single script from memory. His eyelids droop, but he's not fooling anyone, especially not himself. The best he'll get is a restless, dreamless doze that only leaves him feeling even more exhausted when it's over. 

The sharp, electric sound of the transportalizer activating snaps him temporarily out of his self pity. He lowers the lid of his husktop just a fraction, frowning over the top. If it's Vriska, he might just actually lose his shit -- 

But it's not. 

"Good evening, Karkat," Rose greets him, brows raised in obvious question. Karkat frowns at her. 

"Lalonde," he acknowledges with a nod. Her lips twitch with a tiny insufferable smirk for barely a second, and then she's sweeping purposefully across the room and switching the lights on without a word. Overhead, the illumination tubes flicker once and then flood the room with sterile white. Karkat lets out an undignified squawk and squeezes his eyes shut, slapping a hand over them for good measure. "Oh my _fuck_ , seriously? You could give a troll a fucking _warning_ , maybe, or are you actually, maliciously attempting to burn out my ganderbulbs? Is one blind troll not enough for you?!" 

"I suspect you know this already, but humans are not a nocturnal species, Karkat." He hates how calm she sounds. Utterly unaffected. "We generally prefer not to sit alone in the dark if we can help it." 

"Yeah, okay, but I was here first," Karkat points out, in what he knows perfectly well is petulant nitpicking. The common room is and has always been for everyone. 

"Sorry to intrude," she says, somehow giving the impression that she is laughing at him without actually moving her face. It is absolutely maddening. Karkat scowls. 

"If you're actually sorry, you'll turn around and leave me to marinate in my own misery in peace." 

"Ah. Then I suppose my secret is out. My apology wasn't entirely sincere." She settles herself in one of the high-backed chairs around the common room table, tapping her nails against its surface in rhythmic succession. Her free elbow rests on the table and her chin, in turn, rests in her hand. In many ways she and Dave are nothing alike, but in others, it is painfully obvious that they are genetic siblings. Karkat had no idea what to make of that concept, at first, but a sweep and a half of observing Rose and Dave has lent a certain clarity to the whole mess. 

"Surprise," Karkat mutters. "Why are you even awake?" 

"I could ask you the same question." 

"Because I'm a pathetic wiggler with no sense of self preservation that has demonstrably lived long past his expiration date, and the universe is course correcting its horrible mistake by ensuring that when we reach the new session I'll be so exhausted by my own breathtaking stupidity that I'll just willingly impale myself on the first Jack we meet." 

Rose raises her eyebrows and makes a fascinated _hmm_ noise. Her fingers don't stop tapping. She doesn't even miss a beat. Karkat squirms in his self-made snuggleplane cocoon, unable to hold her gaze for very long. He sighs. 

"I can't sleep," he clarifies. 

"I thought you conquered your insomnia years ago." Rose frowns. "Kanaya won't be pleased to hear that it's returned. She worries about you, you know." 

That's embarrassing, so Karkat elects to acknowledge it with a single shrug and then pretend it was never said. 

"Not to mention Dave," Rose continues, when it's clear Karkat has no intention to respond. "Does he know you're out here?" 

Karkat winces. "Dave is asleep. Obviously. Like every other at least semi-sane person on this meteor."

"Mm," Rose says, unhelpfully, letting the implied insult bounce harmlessly off her impenetrable expression.

"Does Kanaya know _you're_ out here?" Karkat shoots back. 

"Yes." 

"...Oh." And now he just feels guilty. Great. 

"I told her I was going to review Vriska's plans in regards to the... Derse situation, just one more time. She told me that I was being 'a bit neurotic and obsessive' but that it was 'understandable due to the unfortunate situation regarding my alternate-timeline mother.'" Another little ghost of a smile touches her lips. "So you see, Kanaya can be very understanding. It's one of the many things I love about her." Karkat's bloodpusher squeezes a little; he likes to give Lalonde shit, and deservedly so, but he knows how important she is to Kanaya and Dave, and that makes her important to him, too. 

"I haven't told Dave much of... I mean, I can't." Karkat hunches down, staring at his lap. He can still feel Rose's eyes on him, questioning. "It's stupid." 

"If you're referring to the fact that you think there are things you "can't" tell Dave, then yes, I agree. That is very stupid." 

Karkat takes a deep breath, still refusing to look at her. If he actually looks at her he'll lose his nerve. 

"Can I ask you a really weird question?" 

"Of course. You can always _ask,_ Karkat. You may not always receive an answer, but there is rarely any harm inherent in the asking." 

He snorts. Fucking Lalonde. "Fine. Here. Did Dave ever talk to you about Jade?" 

Silence greets that, just long enough to be uncomfortable. Rose is probably making a point. He still refuses to look at her, especially now that he is fairly sure his face is slowly turning a very obvious shade of candy-fucking-red. 

"Dave and Jade were very close," Rose says, finally. Karkat's bloodpusher has another pathetic little spasm in his chest. He knew that, and it's still -- of _course_ they were. He fucking _knew_ that already. 

"Okay," he says, faintly. He hates how miserable he sounds. 

"Dave and John were also very close," Rose continues. Karkat stares blankly at the half-open screen of his husktop. "And, I like to think, so were he and I, but of course we have been mercifully spared the awkward impending reunion antics." 

"What's your point," Karkat says. 

"He's also fond of Terezi," Rose continues on, blithely. "I'm not fully informed on the nature and depth of their relationship, but--" 

"God dammit, Lalonde, I am not _asking_ about Terezi, Terezi is not the fucking problem, here! We worked our sad wiggler shit over Terezi out years ago. And of course there's John, I'm not stupid, Dave talks about John all the time, especially now that we're about to actually _see_ him again, but _I_ know John isn't--" Karkat cuts himself off, lets out a frustrated growl. He's twisting up Dave's snuggleplane between his fingers, tighter and tighter. "John is and always will be his friend. But Jade is _special_ , right? Dave liked her, once. Romantically. Obviously. You can tell just from how he talks about her. And I get it! Jade is -- Jade is great. She's strong, she's capable, she's -- she's actually _attractive_ , imagine that." He _hates_ the way his voice catches on that. Fuck. "She's not some useless mutant freak dragging everyone else down with his bullshit dead weight. Oh, and she's female, which as we all know would be a huge load off Dave's mind--" 

"Karkat," Rose interrupts, and there is something so dangerous in the tone of it that he actually does, at least for a second. He temporarily swallows down the rest of what he wanted to say and actually looks up, and she is sitting straight and positively rigid in her chair, eyes faintly narrowed at him. 

He meets her eyes and just feels tired. 

"I wonder, honestly, if it would just be better for him if I _did_ get myself killed roughly ten seconds after waltzing off this meteor. There! No more awkward conversations necessary. He doesn't even have to explain whatever temporary insanity possessed him, involving himself with me most probably because there weren't any other options. Everyone's life can just fucking go on as intended, free of any bullshit Karkat-related complications. Dave can go be best friends with John and pick up where he left off with Jade and they can repopulate your planet the way Skaia always intended." 

There. It's all out there, now, hanging heavily between them. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should not have said _any_ of that to Rose fucking Lalonde, but another part of him is just so relieved at having said it out loud to _someone_ that he can't bring himself to give a shit, let alone actively regret it. It's been _killing_ him, watching Dave pace around full of nervous fucking energetic excitement, launching into random anecdotes and retelling bits and pieces of his history with his closest friends, all while wearing these ridiculous fond little smiles that, once upon a time, used to be reserved for _him._ Which is an ugly fucking jealous shitstain of a thought, because the fact that Dave can show emotion like that at all these days should be a point of pride. It's a good thing, and yet it makes him feel like shit, and isn't that alone enough evidence to prove that Dave deserves better? 

Probably. 

"Are you done?" Rose asks. Her voice is soft fabric over a steel knife, and Karkat is fairly sure he is about to be verbally eviscerated. He is too sad and tired and jittery and uncomfortable in his own skin -- as always -- to care. 

"Yeah," he says, mentally bracing himself for whatever deserved onslaught she's about to unleash. 

"Karkat," Rose says, "Dave loves you." 

Oh. A funny little shudder goes through him, and he drops his eyes because suddenly his vision is swimming with disgusting filmy pink tears, and no one deserves exposure to something so fucking thoroughly, embarrassingly indecent. He is a disgrace. He open his mouth to respond and nothing comes out except a stupid hitching breathy noise as he tries not to fucking cry and predictably fails. 

Rose at least does him the courtesy of not acknowledging the shameful display he is putting on. She continues in the same tone, like he didn't react at all. 

"The last time Dave spoke to Jade, he was thirteen years old and living in what I've come to suspect was a... hostile environment," she says. Karkat has the heels of his palms pressed tightly against his eyes and is attempting to get himself under control by sheer fucking force of will. It's almost working, though it is still difficult to breathe evenly. "I don't know the details on that; I suspect you know more than I do. Suffice to say however that I am fairly certain he never received much if any positive reinforcement. Or," she pauses, but Karkat still has his hands over his eyes and can't see what her expression does during that pause, if anything. "Positive attention in general. Affection," Rose sighs. "Which is why he was so desperate for ours. Anyone's, really. When a person is starved of something so critical..." 

"I know all of that," Karkat says, muffled into his hands. His nose is running. It is rightfully disgusting. He sniffs and hates how loud it is. 

"Then you should be able to extrapolate that whatever romantic inclinations Dave harbored toward _anyone_ at that point were at least in part reactionary." 

Karkat gives his face one final scrub and opens his eyes. His vision is blurry, but at least there aren't actual tears running down his fucking face, anymore. Rose is just staring at him, impassive. 

"What do you mean," he demands. 

"I mean that it is likely that Dave assigned more meaning to every gesture of kindness he ever received than the sender could have ever actually intended -- not that we all didn't love Dave in our own way, mind you, but that's not the point -- and adjusted his own responses in accordance to that exaggerated perception." 

Karkat turns this over in his mind, examines it. 

"I can assure you that neither John nor Jade ever considered that Dave's home life wasn't happy. They were perfectly glad to play along with whatever persona Dave felt like showcasing, because they never even thought to consider the cause. I didn't, either, to be fair. Not for a very long time, and by then it was mostly too late. I was much more interested in ribbing him about his predilection for accidentally expressing romantic interest in men." She smiles, grimly. "I'm not sure he's ever truly forgiven me for being so right." 

Karkat snorts. It doesn't sound as watery as he'd worried it might. Good. 

"My point is that Dave and Jade's relationship wasn't founded on much that is truly _real._ Not to malign their friendship, because I'm certain they _will_ continue being good friends, and you will have to come to terms with that. But _Jade_ is not the one who has been here supporting Dave while he learns that emotions are not weakness and feelings are not meant to be compartmentalized into little boxes and shoved away in the dusty corners of one's mind. Jade is not the one who taught Dave, face to face and in completely unambiguous terms that he is worthy and deserving of affection, and perhaps even more importantly, capable of reciprocating it -- dare I say it -- unironically?" 

There is a lump in Karkat's throat, again, so the laugh he has at that comes out sort of choked and warbly, but Rose smirks appreciatively all the same. 

"Dave has a difficult time ahead, wherein he will need to re-introduce himself to his own best friends... as himself, this time, I can only hope. The real Dave. The strangely charming, blunder-prone idiot with his foot lodged semi-permanently in his own mouth who we both know so well and love so dearly. Jade has hardly even _met_ that person, Karkat, and frankly it's a bit insulting the way you assume she'd be immediately willing to replace you in his life, if she even could. To Dave, to yourself, but also to _Jade_ , don't you think? Does she have no agency in this at all?" 

Karkat gapes at her, uncomprehending. "She would have to be a fucking idiot not to want to," he says, like it's obvious, because it is. "Dave is -- why would she _not_ want him, if she had the chance? Is Jade an idiot, Rose?" 

Rose lifts a hand and covers her mouth, and Karkat knows she's laughing at him. He blushes again, and he isn't even sure why. Fucking _Lalonde._

"That is very sweet, Karkat. Also, frustrating. But sweet." 

"It's true," he mumbles. He is amazed to note that the horrible weight that has been crushing him these past weeks feels lighter, though it's not gone. "I, just..." 

"Yes?" 

"Don't tell anyone I said this." 

"The preceding things, or whatever you are presumably about to say?" 

"Both." 

"Hm," Rose says, eyes positively glinting. 

"Please," Karkat adds, injecting all the sincerity and desperation he can muster into the request. 

"Very well. My lips are sealed. Unless Kanaya asks directly, because I won't expressly lie to her." 

"...Fair enough," Karkat concedes, grudgingly. "It's just that, my whole fucking obscenely pitiable life, there has never been one, not one single entity barring my own fucking lusus, who has a biological imperative so it doesn't fucking really even count, who has actually... _chosen_ me, given an actual fucking choice." It feels strange to admit that, to say it out loud. Sort of awful, actually. This is one of the ugliest thoughts he routinely has and giving it a voice like this makes it feel more real than ever before. It's a little hard to breathe, again. 

Rose says nothing; she simply folds her hands over each other and waits patiently for him to continue. So he does. 

"Gamzee was my best friend, once, and you can see how that turned out. He chose his weird fucking clown religion bullshit over all of us, so I guess it wasn't personal, but it _felt_ that way at the time and sometimes it still fucking does. Sollux. Haha, Sollux. Yeah, we were best friends, too, I guess, and I practically begged him to stay here with me, didn't I? Yeah, everyone got to witness that. So you might also remember him explicitly choosing to fuck off with Aradia for no fucking reason, instead. That sure did feel fucking great! Terezi. God, Terezi. We had all these nice, fun little _moments_ while we were fucking things up on LOPAH -- that was my planet, by the way -- and just when it seems like we're about to make things official she completely shuts me out! Out of _nowhere!_ Spends all her time trolling Dave and trying to impress Vriska, and pretending we were never -- ugh, sorry. You get the point. We're barely even friends anymore and I have no idea if that's because I did something wrong, or... I just don't know. Kanaya. Obviously I am her second priority at best, which I in no way blame her or you for, at least not in a shitty way, but -- fuck, do you see the pattern? I think that even Nepeta, who I know for sure actually did have very real and very flushed feelings for me, would have chosen her gross fucking sweaty moirail over me if I'd ever reciprocated and she had to make that choice --" 

"That sounds like pure conjecture," Rose interrupts, one brow inching back up. 

"Well. Yes. But I'm sure I'm right." 

"None of those people are Dave." 

" _No_ , but Dave has never had a fucking choice! You were so busy getting up close and personal with Kanaya, and Terezi's been so fucking occupied with Vriska -- who else was there? So maybe you can understand that the thought of Dave _having_ a choice, it's -- terrifying -- my whole life has been one long excruciating lesson in understanding that I am _no one's_ choice!" 

His husktop picks _that_ moment to emit a loud chiming noise that means that someone is trying to catch him on Trollian. He is very nearly fucking crying, again, god dammit, and Rose is looking at him with honest-to-god pity, and suddenly he is drowning in pure, unfiltered, extra-bitter regret. This entire conversation was a mistake. What had he been thinking, spilling all of that out to her? He doesn't even know her that well, considering they've spent a sweep and a half sharing the same general living space. Their conversations are usually limited to teasing Dave and sometimes Kanaya or rapt discussion of lurid romantic novels, and that's exactly the sort of depth they _should_ have stayed at. 

"Sorry," he says, face burning. He is so tired of blushing in front of people. He hates it. "Look, I'm -- sorry. Forget I said any of that. It's just stupid fucking insecure hoofbeast shit and I know I need to get the fuck over myself, so, forget it." 

His husktop keeps right on chiming, meaning it's almost definitely Dave on the other side. Rose glances at it, then back to him. 

"I can't make you trust anyone, Karkat," she says, and then she's standing, hands on her hips. "But I can and will privately think that you're an idiot for thinking so little of my brother." 

Karkat blinks at her. After everything he said, _this_ is what finally makes her angry? 

"I don't think _little_ of Dave, are you fucking joking?" 

"No," she says, bluntly, and then she's walking away. "Talk to him," she says, and then the transportalizer flashes and the scent of ozone fills the room, and she's gone. 

The husktop chimes again. Karkat's heart is suddenly beating very fast. Which is stupid, but -- 

He opens his messages.

TG: hey  
TG: karkat  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: where did you go  
TG: are you asleep  
TG: did you go back to your room  
TG: were my feet too cold is that it  
TG: i bet thats it  
TG: one too many gentle caresses from the strider freezer feet shit yeah i dont blame you id probably peace out too who wants to put up with that nonsense  
TG: it gets wicked chilly up in here  
TG: i forgot  
TG: youre probably asleep  
TG: ...  
TG: nah  
TG: fuck it  
TG: okay so  
TG: i wish youd tell me if i did something wrong or whatever  
TG: maybe im just imagining things being weird with us lately on account of all the crazy shit about to go down  
TG: making us all a little nervous i can understand that  
TG: but if theres something   
TG: i dont know what it is or even if something exists to know about in the first place and its fucking me up a little that i cant even answer that basic question and then i wake up and youre just  
TG: not here  
TG: anyway  
TG: its not a big deal  
TG: itd just be cool to know  
TG: imma let you sleep  
TG: youve seemed pretty tired so im glad   
CG: I'M NOT SLEEPING.   
TG: oh  
CG: I WAS TALKING TO,  
CG: UH. SOMEONE  
TG: ??   
TG: alright well thats a lil cagey but okay youre entitled to talk to someones sure  
TG: thats fine  
CG: IT WAS ROSE.   
TG: rose  
CG: YEAH.   
TG: why were you talking to rose  
CG: I   
CG: HM.   
TG: was it about me  
TG: karkat  
TG: yo karkat  
TG: karkat i swear to god  
TG: dont believe anything she says she doesnt know me  
TG: okay maybe she does but still dont believe it shes full of shit  
CG: IT WASN'T ANYTHING BAD.   
CG: CALM DOWN.   
TG: im perfectly calm this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to the words im hearing you say  
TG: seeing you type whatever  
TG: words  
TG: man its like 2am what the fuck are you and rose even doing up let alone having conversations  
TG: was it my feet  
TG: karkat   
CG: NO, DAVE, IT WASN'T YOUR FUCKING FEET.   
TG: are you mad   
CG: NO.   
TG: are you sure  
CG: I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. I'M JUST, THINKING. I'VE HAD A LOT ON MY MIND, YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED. WHAT WITH THE NOT FUCKING SLEEPING AND GENERALLY BEING AN ORNERY, DOWNRIGHT RECALCITRANT PIECE OF SHIT.   
TG: uh  
TG: i noticed the not sleeping  
TG: obviously because i asked you about it like fifty fucking times   
CG: THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT.   
TG: something  
TG: okay  
TG: thats a little vague but i can work with that  
TG: is it something about us  
TG: like as a couple or whatever  
TG: fuck i hate that word  
TG: couple rhymes with supple it reminds me of all your shitty shitty books  
CG: OKAY, I'M GOING TO CUT YOU OFF THERE.   
TG: thank god  
CG: YES, IT'S ABOUT US, AS A COUPLE.   
TG: okay  
CG: AND IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T TRUST YOU OR THINK HIGHLY OF YOU OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.   
TG: what  
TG: what did i do  
CG: YOU DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING! IT'S JUST, MORE ABOUT THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN, THAT ARE POTENTIALLY IN THE REALM OF COSMIC POSSIBILITY BECAUSE AS EVERYONE KNOWS IF THERE IS A JOKE BEING MADE OUT THERE IN THE VAST REALM OF COSMIC FUCKING POSSIBILITY KARKAT VANTAS IS PROBABLY AT LEAST PARTIALLY THE PUNCHLINE. HA HA, OH LOOK, HE THOUGHT THAT SOMETHING WAS ACTUALLY GOING WELL! FUCK THAT, THERE ARE RULES AND ONE OF THOSE RULES IS THAT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY FOR ANY ACTUAL SIGNIFICANT STRETCH OF FUCKING TIME!   
CG: AND,  
CG: I'VE BEEN REALLY HAPPY  
CG: FUCK.   
CG: GOD. OKAY.   
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US WHEN WE MEET UP WITH THE OTHERS.   
TG: what do you mean  
CG: AS A COUPLE.   
TG: god that word  
TG: nothing?  
TG: like why would anything happen  
TG: i literally dont understand the question youre going to have to give me a little more than that man  
TG: are you saying you think we should  
TG: like  
TG: break up?  
TG: or that we will or something  
TG: i really dont understand  
CG: NO!  
CG: I MEAN, NOT THAT WE SHOULD. NO, NO. FUCK NO. THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT AND HONESTLY JUST SEEING YOU TYPE THE WORDS "BREAK UP" IS MAKING ME FREAK THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT A LITTLE BIT SO HOLD ON A SECOND.   
TG: is this about me not wanting to tell john right away  
TG: because if that was such a big deal for you i wish you would have said so because it seemed to me you were ok with it  
TG: its not that im embarrassed  
TG: uh of you i mean  
TG: obviously i AM embarrassed or it wouldnt even be a thing but its not because im ashamed of you or us being together or whatever so if thats what youre thinking imma have to stop you right there  
CG: OR JADE.   
TG: what  
CG: YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL JOHN OR JADE.   
TG: man no   
TG: thats what this is about isnt it  
TG: its not that i dont want to TELL them because i do   
TG: i dont want to be all acting like youre my dirty little secret or whatever fuck that its not about that im fucking floored every god damned day that youre still here putting up with my shit and like  
TG: liking me  
TG: or whatever  
TG: so if you need me to come out guns all blazing like shit yeah im gay as fuck or at least pretty overall bisexual we cant all be rose lalonde levels of gay no matter how hard we try  
TG: the impossible ideal eludes us  
CG: NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING. THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM! I KNOW THAT IT'S A BIG DEAL FOR YOU. I GET IT. I MEAN, I DON'T GET THAT EXACT THING BUT I GET NOT WANTING TO LAY EVERYTHING OUT IN PUBLIC. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO EITHER. RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRIVATE, IT'S NO ONE ELSE'S FUCKING BUSINESS BUT OUR OWN.   
TG: then what  
CG: ARE YOU WORRIED JADE IS GOING TO THINK LESS OF YOU FOR LIKING ME. OR LIKING GUYS IN GENERAL, I GUESS. AND STOP BEING INTERESTED IN YOU. ROMANTICALLY. AND, THEN IF THAT DOOR JUST SLAMS SHUT FOR GOOD AND YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME WHETHER YOU WANT TO BE OR NOT SO MAYBE IT'S BETTER IF YOU FEEL THINGS OUT FIRST, MAYBE GAUGE HER INTEREST BEFORE YOU POSSIBLY TORCH THE POSSIBILITY TO THE GROUND.  
TG: karkat  
TG: what the actual flaming fuck are you talking about right now  
CG: THE FACT THAT JADE IS AN AMAZING PERSON AND IDEAL PARTNER AND I'M FUCKING NOT? AND SHE'S ABOUT TO WALK BACK INTO YOUR LIFE WITH HER GENERAL COMPETENCE AND CORRECT SPECIES AND PROPER GENDER AND ALL AROUND BETTER SUITABILITY SO MAYBE I SHOULD READY MYSELF FOR THE POSSIBILITY THAT I'M ABOUT TO BE WALKED OUT.  
TG: okay  
TG: firstly please allow me to say  
TG: you are actually kinda pissing me off right now  
CG: SORRY  
TG: and im kind of just   
TG: reeling at this bullshit  
TG: are you serious  
CG: I'M FUCKING SORRY, OK? I JUST, REALLY NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE IF I'M BEING HONEST I CAN'T EVEN REALLY FATHOM HOW I'M GOING TO HANDLE LOSING YOU. I JUST BARELY MANAGED TO DEAL WITH EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY I DIDN'T FEEL *THIS* FOR ANY OF THEM, AND BY THE TIME IT GOT REALLY BAD YOU HAD ALREADY SHOWED UP. AND BEFORE I COULD SPEND TOO MUCH TIME DWELLING ON IT WE WERE ALREADY KIND OF FRIENDS AND IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED, I GUESS? BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT THERE IS AFTER YOU AND EVEN JUST THE THOUGHT OF HAVING TO FACE THAT BLEAK FUCKING FUTURE SORT OF MAKES ME WANT TO WANT TO DIE. WHICH, FUCK, SOUNDS LIKE I'M TRYING TO GUILT YOU INTO STAYING WITH ME BUT REALLY I'M JUST TRYING TO IMPRESS UPON YOU WHY I NEED TO ASK THIS SHITTY AWKWARD QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.   
TG: i swear to god karkat  
TG: youre ridiculous  
TG: i dont understand how you can make me so fuckin mad like i am actually pretty downright furious right now this is insulting as fuck but ALSO  
TG: make me feel so   
TG: like youre sitting there unironically spouting off some true fucking garbage novel bullshit into my face like oh dave ill die without you ooh mr strider ooh  
CG: THIS IS FUCKING SERIOUS!  
TG: and its so crazy but also completely sincere because its you and i just sit here thinking wow i really want to punch this douches face but also kiss him at the same time  
TG: thats some bullshit  
TG: stop being such a fucking douche karkat  
TG: i guess i prefer to only feel the especially gay emotions now that im more used to having them what a plot twist  
CG: I STILL FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY AND NOW *YOU'RE* STARTING TO PISS *ME* OFF  
TG: no way dude i called it first  
TG: i am driving this pissed off mobile solo straight to fed up town to rendezvous at the are you fucking kidding me motel  
TG: listen  
TG: i dont know if you maybe like noticed at some point in the last three years  
TG: so imma let you in on a secret  
TG: some primo strider insider intel  
TG: i   
TG: sometimes have trouble expressing myself and more specifically my emotions  
TG: SHOCKER you probably just fainted in sheer surprise so you can read the rest when youre back up  
TG: so when i told you that i fucking loved you it was kind of a big deal for me  
TG: and the fact that youre marching in here saying you think i just didnt mean what i said when it took me literal months of rehearsing the conversation in my head and also i threw up in the sink beforehand because thats how i roll   
TG: thinking that my feelings for you right now and my feelings for a girl i havent seen or spoken to in three years are somehow interchangeable  
TG: that is some mad rank bullshit yo and i think if you think about it for more than three panicked seconds youll understand why  
TG: because youre not actually an idiot  
TG: especially not about feelings  
TG: youre kind of an expert on those  
TG: so this weird jealousy is basically stupid  
TG: man dont be jealous of jade jades cool  
TG: you liked her too  
TG: right  
TG: karkat  
TG: man i know you did so you might as well just admit it  
CG: UH. OKAY.   
CG: YEAH, I DID. BUT TO BE FAIR, I ONLY KNEW HER FOR A DAY, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. BUT YEAH.   
TG: see  
TG: but youre not going to go macking on her the second you see her again because shes hotter than me or whatever the fuck and it would be asinine of me to ever think that for a second  
CG: OKAY FIRSTLY JADE ISN'T HOTTER THAN YOU.   
TG: if you say so but if it ever comes up im gonna have to source you on that  
CG: OH GOD.   
CG: YOU CAN'T, I'M A BIASED SOURCE.   
TG: lmao  
TG: karkat  
TG: look  
TG: if you want me to stop telling stories about jade and maybe even john too for awhile thats fine  
TG: if it makes you feel insecure or like youre somehow not as important a fixture in my life even though thats horseshit   
TG: but honestly  
TG: ive been really looking forward to introducing you to everyone  
TG: like for real  
TG: having you and them in the same place and all of us just being totally chill together  
TG: after we presumably kill like fifty jacks and also your alien empress and maybe some other stuff i dont fucking know who can keep track of this shit  
CG: VRISKA.   
TG: fuck vriska  
TG: anyway what i was saying  
TG: it sounds dope as fuck  
TG: and theyre gonna think so too   
TG: so please find your fucking chill   
TG: im not going anywhere and im not settling for you you crazy fuck   
TG: okay?  
TG: are you listening  
CG: YEAH.   
TG: do you believe me  
CG: I... YEAH.   
TG: karkat   
CG: I DO! I BELIEVE YOU.   
TG: ok im not sure that's very convincing but im going to choose to believe you too it seems like its only fair  
CG: OK. THANKS.   
TG: can i ask where you like  
TG: are  
TG: is rose still there  
TG: oh god has she been following this whole thing  
CG: NO! SHE LEFT BEFORE I EVEN ANSWERED YOU.   
TG: oh thank christ  
CG: AND I'M IN THE COMMON ROOM.   
TG: do you want to come back here maybe  
TG: its cold  
TG: im fucking sleepy   
TG: i promise when i punch you for this bullshit ill be gentle  
TG: and then maybe ill kiss it better  
CG: HA.   
TG: well?  
CG: DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY'LL WANT TO BE FRIENDS?   
TG: oh  
TG: shit yeah dude  
TG: come on you know they will   
TG: john already fuckin adores you and im guessing three years only made the john grow fonder thats the saying right  
TG: cause hes an affectionate little dweeb  
TG: and as for jade shes just a friendly person  
TG: she likes being friends with people   
TG: and will definitely be happy to see you  
TG: and i guess one last thing  
TG: i cant guarantee they wont be weird about it especially at first because lets face it its a weird situation i came in one side of a meteor thinking i was one way and came out completely different and neither of them ever had cause to question it thanks to being way more oblivious than rose  
TG: but once they get used to it i think they'll be cool   
TG: about us  
TG: probably happy  
TG: at least i hope so  
TG: i think so  
TG: shit now ive lost track of who im trying to convince  
CG: THEY'LL BE COOL ABOUT IT.   
TG: oh yeah  
CG: WELL, JADE WILL BE. JOHN WILL PROBABLY BE AN ASSHOLE. BUT NOT ON PURPOSE.   
TG: sounds about right  
CG: I THINK I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW.   
TG: cool  
TG: are you coming back here or  
CG: YEAH, OK.   
TG: sweet   
CG: SEE YOU IN A BIT.   
TG: yeah   


Karkat pauses, wiping his stupid fucking traitorous face off with a corner of Dave's snuggleplane, and he actually cannot believe he did this in a public room. Thank god no one else walked in on him wrapped up like this and actually crying into his fucking keyboard. He would have probably just died on the spot and spared everyone the hysterical theatrics. He snaps the husktop closed and climbs out of his shameful couch nest. His limbs all still feel too heavy, but his heart is a little lighter. He keeps turning the things Dave said over and over in his mind, examining them from all angles, trying so hard to just believe it. 

Dave is waiting for him when he trudges bashfully back into his block, sitting up on the edge of his concupiscent platform. Bed. Whatever. He stands up when Karkat walks in, and Karkat barely has time to set his husktop down before Dave is actually colliding with him, yanking Karkat against his chest. Dave is holding him so tightly that it's actually a little hard to breathe, and it's wonderful. Karkat squeezes him back. 

"Hey, asshole," Dave says against his ear, and Karkat rattles out an embarrassed little laugh into his shoulder. 

"Hey," he says. Dave's arms loosen around him and he takes a step back. Dave puts his hands on Karkat's shoulders, studying his face, and Karkat can't quite bring himself to meet Dave's eyes, so he drops his chin and stares downward, instead. They just stand there like this for an excruciating number of seconds. Their breathing sounds very loud in the otherwise quiet block. Karkat resists the urge to squirm like an errant wiggler. Barely. 

"Are we okay," Karkat says, finally, when he can't stand it any longer. Dave's fingers tighten on his shoulders. 

"Yeah," Dave replies. Karkat swallows, feels his legs go a little wobbly with relief. "I really need you to believe me though, when I say, like... the things I say, about how I feel about this? About us. _You._ Fuck. I don't want you over there inventing this whole reality where I'm just constantly looking for the next best thing, whether you think that's Jade or whatever the fuck else." 

"I'm trying not to," Karkat can feel his throat threatening to close up, again. Fuck, he's so tired. He feels like he's been wrung out like a washrag. 

"Okay," Dave says, softly. Karkat chances a look up. He's not wearing his shades, and his eyes are kind of unfocused, distant. He's chewing on his lip. "Is there anything I can, I don't know, do? To convince you." 

"Probably not," Karkat sighs. He steps forward, rests his chin on Dave's shoulder. "But it's not your fault. I'm just fucked up. It's nothing you are or aren't or have been or should have been doing, Dave, it's just me. I'll get over it. I'm sorry if I freak out some in the meantime because this is just really fucking nerve wracking for me and it probably will keep being that until this is over and, and somehow if we're still... ugh, fuck." He sniffs into Dave's shoulder, feeling exceedingly small and stupid. 

"Seeing is believing," Dave says, and Karkat nods against him. 

"Thanks for putting up with me," Karkat whispers. It's still pretty loud, though. 

Dave sighs. 

"I fucking love you, god dammit. Even when you're being an asshole. And that's obviously true for you too or else there's no way you'd have put up with my shit for this long, either. So let's just agree to trust each other, okay? And, like, if something I'm saying is upsetting you or maybe setting off your patented Karkat Vantas inferiority complex alarms you tell me to shut up, and I'll agree not to argue. And likewise if something you're saying is upsetting _me_ because it's shitty and makes me think you don't understand the way I feel about you at all, I'll tell you to knock it off and you'll try your best to do that, too." 

"That sounds fair."

"You're damn right it does. So it's a deal." 

"Yeah. Deal." 

Dave drops his arms back to his sides, and Karkat takes that as his cue to step back, too. They consider each other for several quiet moments. 

"Do you think you'll be able to get some sleep now?" Dave glances toward the bed, then back at Karkat. "Do you want to try?" 

"Yeah," Karkat says. He breathes in, exhales noisily. "I am so fucking tired." 

Dave grins and makes a ridiculous little half-bow coupled with an exaggerated sweeping gesture with his arms, indicating Karkat should go first. He lets out an amused little snort but follows the cue, crawling onto the bed and into his usual spot against the wall. It makes him feel a little more secure. He'd like it better if Dave would let him make an actual pile on the mattress, but this isn't bad. Especially not when Dave crawls up beside him and immediately sets about tangling their limbs together, throwing one of his pale freckled arms over Karkat's chest, sliding one leg between both of his. It's nice. Karkat turns and presses a chaste little kiss into Dave's wispy human hair. 

"'Night, 'Kat," Dave mumbles, and fondness floods him. Fuck. He wishes they could stay on this stupid fucking spacerock forever, exactly like this. 

But, no. Not really, because Dave's friends are waiting for him, and it would kill him to never see John or Jade again, and... Karkat has to concede that despite all of his irrational fear he's been looking forward to seeing them, too. They're his friends, too. Or at least they were. For one day, three years ago. 

"Goodnight, Dave," he says back, staring at the ceiling. "I love you, too." 

Dave tightens his arm over him, and Karkat concentrates on synchronizing their breathing until he slips off into welcome dream bubble oblivion.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr [@landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)!


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